Get your
pitchforks here.
Perfect for moving hay, or protest and toppling fascism.
Out at the town square.
Back soon.
What are you using it for?
Lovely. Hay waits for no one.Lovely. Neither does history.
Aisle 7 - HayAisle 8 - Toppling fascism
The Haymaker
$24
Forged tines and a D-grip. Shifts a bale before the kettle boils.Forged tines and a D-grip. Holds a banner steady for six hours.
The Town Square
$29
Three tines and a barn-red handle. Easy to find in a haystack.Barn-red handle. Looks wonderful on the evening news.
The Long March
$34
Extra-long handle for the top of the stack.Extra-long handle. Visible from the back of any rally.
The Sunday Picnic
$19
Folds in half, fits in a tote. Gingham bow included.Folds in half, fits in a tote. Nobody suspects a picnic.
The Mini
$12
Blunt tines, yellow grip. Real chores for small hands.Blunt tines, yellow grip. Never too early to learn about democracy.
The Village Pack
$199
Twenty forks, one rope. Enough for the whole cooperative.Twenty forks, one rope. Minimum order: one village.
Instructions / please read before use
How to use your pitchfork for hayagainst fascism
- Find some hay.
- Slide the tines in, low and flat.
- Lift with your legs, not your back.
- Repeat until the barn is full.
- Find your neighbours.
- Walk together to the town square.
- Raise the fork. Tines up, always.
- Repeat until the fascists are voted out.
Safety: never point a pitchfork at a person. Point it at the sky. The sky can take it.
One fork. Two jobs.
Our customers ask which model is right for them. The honest answer is all of them.
| Hay | Fascism | |
|---|---|---|
| Best season | Late summer | Whenever it turns up |
| Usually arrives in | Bales | Uniforms |
| Smells like | Sunshine | Old newspapers |
| You'll know you're done when | The barn is full | The statue comes down |
| Recommended crowd size | One farmer | Everyone |
| Pitchfork required | Yes | Very much yes |
Notes from the regulars
Moved four tonnes of hay on Saturday. Took it to the square on Sunday. Same fork. Great fork.Gunnar, dairy farmer
Arrived in two days. The regime lasted three.Maria, retired teacher
I only wanted to move some hay. Now I sit on three committees.Dave, Ohio
My grandmother's is from the forties. Still works.Odile, Lyon
Five stars. Would topple again.Anonymous
The Mini was a hit. Our daughter now chairs the parish council.Priya and Tom
Ask at the counter
Do you ship internationally?
Pitchforks have never needed a passport.
Is it ergonomic?
The D-grip was designed in the 1800s and has not needed an update since. Most governments cannot say the same.
Can I return it?
Bring it back whenever you are done. Most customers never are.
What if the fascists buy pitchforks too?
We checked. They prefer other people to carry things for them.
Is there a warranty?
Lifetime. Yours, not the regime's.
Do you sell torches?
We are a pitchfork store. Bring your own lantern, and please keep it on a hook.